Breath of Heaven

Margaret and I have been talking about the song Breath of Heaven for a few days. I realized that I hadn't heard it at all this Christmas season, so I popped open Pandora and in about six songs, on it came. It is a beautiful song and I can appreciate all the thoughts that Mary might have had 'around this time of year' 2,000 years ago. Today, though, what was especially poignant for me was the part that goes:

Breath of Heaven, do You wonder as You watch my face, if a wiser one should have had my place?

Thomas and I ran a million errands today. He decided that during those errands he would ignore every word that I said. Every. Word.  We went to my favorite coffee shop for a 'date', Sam's, Books-A-Million (the ONE in the world that is still open), and Trader Joe's. In every single place, he acted like a madman. I was embarrassed. I was frustrated. I lost my temper. I was ashamed that I  couldn't control my child and that he didn't respond to my commands. In a four-hour period, I doubted my ability to parent my child more times than I can count on all my fingers and toes. I wondered how I could possibly handle adding to our family. Even as I type this, I doubt myself and wonder if I have what it takes. But then I remember my favorite line of Breath of Heaven.

But I offer all that I am, for the mercy of Your plan. Help me be strong. Help me be. Help me.

I went to four places today, all busy with Christmas shoppers and tired employees. Know how many dirty looks I noticed? None. Know how many smiles, sweet comments, and laughs (in a good way) I got? A lot. I'd say at least two at every place. Two at Lucky Goat, but five or six at the other places.

I'm not in this alone and I was not intended to be. I was chosen to be Thomas's mother because it is part of His plan. If I offer all that I am, He'll help me be strong.

Well, God and Xanax.

I'm kidding about the Xanax. I'd have to report that to the Bar Association and that's just too much trouble.